6 things that help when I am VERY anxious
And a lotta links
Guys, guys, guys. I have been absolutely CRAWLING with anxiety this last week. It's down to various things happening - my first ever tax return (hideous, would not recommend), some boy stuff (I haven't dated in forever and dipped my tippy toe back into the pool, just to be reminded of how absolutely gut-wrenching it can be), some exciting work stuff and, of course, my long-running roof saga.
I've been racked with that horrid fluttery panicky feeling, an inability to concentrate or sit still, my thoughts all jumpy and jerky ("washing machine head" is a good description), my sleep disturbed etc. I really have been using all the tools, as they say, to soothe my poor overactive mind and thought I'd share with you the things that really worked in case you have to clamber into the ring to go some bouts with your own anxiety demon...
Running
It's boring as it is such a bloody obvious one but I don't know of anything so effective at quieting a busy mind than a burst of aerobic activity. When I was really going through it, I was running every day just to get out of my head for a snatch of time. I suspect it's a combination of the physical exertion, the great outdoors, being off your phone, the monotony of your feet hitting the pavement, the focus on your breath that leaves you feeling free from whatever is plaguing you.
Mandala yoga
So, I don't find yoga as effective as running for quieting my mind because there is too much time to think during a yoga class. I went to a yin class which was a disaster - three whole minutes in the foetal position to contemplate the nightmares my head was conjuring. So instead, I recommend mandala yoga. It's a style of practice where you go all the way around the mat. It's hard to explain but you're constantly crawling from one end of the mat to the other, flinging a leg here and there, so you have to pay close attention to the teacher's instructions to keep up, otherwise you'll find yourself marooned at one end of the mat while everyone else has pirouetted into warrior three at the other end. It keeps your body and your brain busy which is key for any anxiety-busting activity.
Painting
I went through a painting phase last year and I can feel another coming on. Annie Sloan's chalk paint is my jam and, so far in my flat, I have used it to paint a dining table, three bookcases, three shelving units, two picture frames and one bedside table. No piece of brown furniture is safe when I'm in an Annie Sloan, paint-brush-wielding kind of a mood.
My latest victims are two seriously pretty bedside tables that I picked up from Crystal Palace Antiques last weekend. (That emporium is a must-visit if you are in south east London and into antiques, it's set over four floors and is surprisingly reasonably priced).
Today I stomped over to Dulwich Village to pick up a can of Annie's Louis paint - a powder blue that I adore - and set to work painting the bedside tables.
I love painting primarily because there is something so satisfying about seeing the transformation that it brings about. I read somewhere that, in terms of interiors, paint is the cheapest way to effect the biggest impact. I also find it so deeply meditative - the very act of dragging a paint brush back and forth on a surface is both absorbing and calming. And I love that you gotta trust the process, that the first coat always looks patchy and you always worry that you've made a mistake, but by the second - in some cases, third - coat, your faith has been rewarded with a gorgeous piece of furniture, thanks to your own hands.
Making stuff
My flat always gets an upgrade when I'm going through an anxious spell because in my desperation to do something that will keep my brain and my hands busy, I usually start ticking off the jobs that have long lingered on my to-do list. Case in point: my headboard.
Ages ago, I decided to make myself a pretty headboard. I looked it all up online and followed the directions: get a grim one from Facebook Marketplace for free which you'll then cover with a scrap of pretty fabric. I got a blue stained monstrosity off Facebook Marketplace thinking I'd cover it pronto and then... I just never did. Instead I slept next to the old headboard, its stain glowering down at me, a constant reminder of my laziness.
Well not anymore, thanks to Mr Anxiety. Desperate to give myself a job that wouldn't involve thinking about all the things I didn't want to think about, I took the bus over to Fabrics Galore in Battersea and picked a blue William Morris print (I actually think I shoulda gone with a different print but hey, maybe I'll recover it in my next anxious spell). That night, with the help of a Youtube video and my trusty staple gun, I bolted the new fabric to the headboard and, honestly, apart for a bit of a loose crease in the corner, I don't think you can tell the difference between a £300 headboard and my own crafty creation. Also there is something extremely satisfying about the violence of a staple gun when you are a little bit pissed off with someone, just saying.
Communing with the elements
Ok so this might be a bit of an odd one but I went to see a friend and we ended up going for a walk around Burgess Park. All of a sudden it started bucketing it down and instead of running for cover, we held hands and skipped around the lake in the torrential rain, screaming: “It’s all going to be ok!”
Then we went to a newsagent, bought a big bar of chocolate and a bag of marshmallows, went back to hers, peeled our sopping wet jeans off, draped them over a radiator, melted the chocolate in a pan of milk and sat on the sofa in our knickers drinking the most utterly delicious hot chocolate I’ve ever had the good fortune to taste.
The whole afternoon was a balm to the soul - and reminded me of Topaz’s penchant for striding naked into the countryside to commune with nature in I Capture The Castle - she was onto something.
Calling friends
This should go without saying but I couldn't leave it off the list. When I was hyperventilating this week, my sweet freelance friend Emma talked me down from the brink. Anxiety, like depression, really does a number on your sense of perspective and having a pal not only commiserate or empathise or offer advice, but also right-size the thing that appears to be looming over all in your mind, is invaluable.
Whoop! So those are the things that have been helping me stay sane this week... have you any of your own you can recommend? And here is one big ole list of recommendations...
TO READ
On reading versus living
I loved this essay by
.I suspect every bookworm has felt that conflict: the love of reading while also knowing that that love of the written word is also, at least in part, due to loneliness and a desire to escape the real world into the far more comforting realms of fantasy. She says it better!
"For me, reading has always been interwoven with loneliness, and longing, and stillness. A way to hit pause on my own story when I couldn't find a narrative thread worth holding onto. I sometimes fear that if I were completely and blissfully happy, I wouldn't read at all."
In all honesty, during the happiest times of my life, I've hardly read and yet books are SUCH comfort during the saddest times.
Zadie Smith on White Teeth
Long-time readers of this Substack will know that I adore - with a passion that approaches the unnerving - Zadie Smith and in particular, her first, wondrous book White Teeth. Well, White Teeth has turned 25 and Zadie talked about it to The Sunday Times1. She hasn't reread it and never will! She is also refreshingly honest about the mighty advance she got for her first novel (much hyped in the press) and what she used that money for.
There Is No Safe Word
I don't know if I'd recommend reading this - it's the original investigation into Neil Gaiman's alleged sexual assaults - but it is a quite breathtaking piece of journalism2, all those sources, most of them on the record, the story that reporting is able to paint. It's completely grim and awful and sad but it is top tier journalism.
The day I put $50,000 in a shoe box and handed it to a stranger
Ok this is not a new piece but I only just got round to reading it and, oh man! So, the financial advice columnist for New York Magazine (!) was the victim of a scammer who pretended he was in the CIA and somehow convinced her to take out $50,000 in cash (!) put it in a shoe box and hand it to somebody (she didn't even see who) in a car. Oh God. I know that one ought to be sympathetic and understanding but this did seem perilously close to the French woman who believed she was in a relationship with Brad Pitt. The gullibility really is just astounding! (Oh God, I'm definitely going to get scammed now, aren't I?).
I have been thinking about scammers. I met someone recently whose cousin has “fallen in love” with a person who claims to be a rapper from the Congo who owns a house in Oxfordshire (as so many Congolese rappers do). Of course they have never met but she sent him £1,000 over Christmas to help with a "medical emergency". The person I spoke to said she was at her wits' end trying to get her cousin to see that this is all a scam, there is no relationship, he most likely is not the Congolese rapper he claims to be, and not to send any more money. But she also seemed powerless: what else can she do? she can't freeze her bank account. It made me think how awful it must be for family members to see a loved one fall for these scams and be unable to stop it happening.
Sexting on playdates: confessions of a newly single mother
Newspapers run an awful lot of first person pieces (I should know, I've written my fair share of them) and sometimes I get a bit bored of them - but this piece on dating as a single mother was absolutely brilliant. Also, it did the impossible and showed the actual playful side of dating apps. I loved how brazenly
Reid writes and how confident her writing is. I sat near her at a party a couple of months ago and really wish I could have grilled her properly on all aspects of her writing: her routine, her ambitions, her advice etc. Anyway, I loved this piece, it was just so bloody fun... and sexy!TO LISTEN TO:
Always Take Notes
This is a podcast that was recommended by a freelance journalist who reads this Substack (shout out Isabel!). Each episode, the two presenters interview a writer (or someone in the business of writing, like a literary agent) about their career and the podcast aims to be a practical and informative look at how they make their money, how they got to where they are, what was their 'big break' etc. I listened to the one with Megan Nolan and just loved hearing how she got her start in journalism (answering pitch call-outs on Twitter!), how she actually makes money (balancing fiction with journalism), how she got her agent and more. The 'brass tacks' approach to interviewing a writer was helpful as, it seems to me, much of being a writer is working out how to just about bob along in the waters of financial solvency.
On that cheery note, that's all from me for this week. I hope all is well with you and, listen, we made it through January! See you next time xxx
I suspect that article is paywalled but I would say, I have a subscription for The Times and The Sunday Times and I do consider it worth the dosh, there is pretty much always something I want to read on there.
Paywalled as well - but the article is on Apple News, which is where I read it - I also subscribe to Apple News (lol) but v recommend it as so many publications are on there and I think they have a good trial period too.
was drawn in by the title, then noticed the name and realised we used to know each other in real life (at least one of us - anna from school)!
thank you for talking about the things that no one talks about - it really does make being human that much more bearable.
💕
This is such a kicker: In all honesty, during the happiest times of my life, I've hardly read and yet books are SUCH comfort during the saddest times.